The Pregnancy Test
by Jessafternoon
Summary: Things spiral out of control when Schmidt finds Jess taking a pregnancy test.
1. Chapter 1

The Loft:

Nick's two favorite planets have been sore longer than usual, and Jess is a few days late. She waits until Nick goes to work at the bar to take the test. She loves Nick, and their relationship is going so much better than she could ever have anticipated, but they haven't even said "I love you" yet so there is no way to know how Nick will handle news like that. Jess doesn't even know if Nick wants to be a father. It's better to leave him in the dark for the time being. At least until she knows for sure.

"Jess-ICKAH!" Schmidt's unique cadence screams at her from behind the bathroom door. "My bathroom is on the fritz and Remy is busy with that new weird couple who moved in on the first floor, let me in!"

"Go away Schmidt." Her voice is downtrodden and cracks a little bit. She has her back up against the bathroom door and she sits on the floor. She holds the test with the plus symbol in her palm. On the other side of the door she can hear Schmidt slump to the floor as well. His back is against the door. He speaks to her through the door.

"You okay, Jess? Did a child urinate on you again at work?"

"No. That was one time Schmidt. Pee must be on your mind. Do you need to go that badly because I can pull it together. I'll just close my eyes."

"That is dis-gust-ing, Jessica and I'll pretend you didn't say it. Besides, I already went. I was wearing my stadium buddy anyway just in case."

Winston appears on the scene holding Ferguson and humming something that sounds like "Everybody know. Fergie gotta go.." "Schmidt, what are you doing here?"

"What are you doing taking your cat into the bathroom? Has all pretense of cleanliness gone straight out the window now that I'm not here?!"

"Ferguson needs to pee."

"Your cat uses the toilet?"

"I wasn't planning on telling anyone that."

Jess speaks from the bathroom. "I already knew, Winston. I caught you once but I didn't want to hurt your feelings. The way you coaxed the pee out of him. It was really touching."

Winston points at the door and gives Schmidt an inquisitive face.

"Oh Jess is carrying Nick's baby," Schmidt says matter of factly.

"WHAT?" Jess and Winston yell together. Jess whips open the bathroom door and Schmidt falls into the bathroom. "How can you possibly know that?"

"I smell like a Puma, Jessica. Your urine reeks of baby."

"Well you're wrong. The test was negative."

"Well let's see it then," Schmidt holds out his hand, changes his mind and pulls it back. He unrolls his sleeve and pulls it down over his hand so he doesn't have to touch her pee. "Okay, now give it to me."

Winston squeezes by the two of them and grabs the bathroom door.

"If you guys don't mind. I know this is an awkward moment and all, but Fergie really does need to pee."

The Bar:

Nick wipes down the bar and Tran sits silently. There are four Fresca cans in front of him. He holds up his hand to Nick.

"Another one Tran? Don't go getting Fresca drunk on me you crazy devil. Alright. Another Fresca, coming up. You still haven't given me your card or opened a tab or anything, but I trust you buddy."

Tran smiles and stares straight ahead. Nick continues talking and throws the bar towel over his shoulder. He leans on his elbows and puts his face in his hands.

"Lemme ask you something, Tran. Do you think I'd be a good father? I mean, because my father was terrible at it, and I'm not very good at taking care of myself, so I don't know if I should give myself any more responsibility, but part of me disagrees. It's like I always told myself—Nick you don't want a baby, and I made myself believe it. But I think what I actually believed was that I didn't want to have a baby with Caroline. Did I ever tell you about the time she brought it up?"

FLASHBACK: Nick and Caroline are in a suburban backyard standing on an outdoor patio. Caroline watches the kids in the yard playing and turns to Nick.

"Would you ever consider having kids?"

Nick immediately panic moonwalks. He forgets that he's on an outdoor patio and falls off the side. He falls into the man who is flipping he burgers on the grill, causing him to fall ONTO the grill face first.

BACK TO PRESENT.

"Grillface still hates me for that, Tran. But it was an important moment in my life. But what If I've been reading it wrong? What if it wasn't as important as I thought it was? Maybe I was just realizing for the first time that day that Caroline is a terrible person. Dammit Tran, you get it. You really get it and I appreciate it. Next Fresca's on the house."

Tran smiles ahead. He doesn't move. Nick throws his bar towel down.

"You know what, I'm gonna go tell Jess that. I'm gonna go tell her that I'm not scared by it. I'm not scared to have her baby. I mean—you know what I mean, Tran. Cover me at the bar will ya? Great, thanks."

Nick rushes out of the bar to go home to the loft and share his epiphany with Jess. When he opens the front door Jess and Schmidt are wrestling on the floor. Schmidt is trying to pry something out of Jess's sock. Winston comes out of the bathroom holding Ferguson.


	2. Chapter 2

The Loft:

Everyone stops what they are doing when Nick enters the loft.

"My exfoliating gloves need cleaning."

"Ferguson has a date." Schmidt and Winston speak simultaneously and quickly exit.

Nick points at them and gives a confused look.

"What's their deal? Did you tell Winston we know about Ferguson using the toilet? because it's really not a big deal."

"Well no. Actually yes but no. It's not really related to what was going on."

Nick crosses the room and stands close to Jess.

"What is going on, then?"

Jess reaches down and pulls a pregnancy test out of her sock. Nick looks confused.

"Is that a new kind of test? I mean I know I don't know a lot about female stuff, but—"

"No, Nick. It's the regular kind. That you pee on. But it's okay. You don't have anything to worry about," She holds it up. "See. It's negative."

Jess looks like she might cry and Nick pulls her in and holds her close. Her head is against his shoulder and she begins to cry wholeheartedly.

"It's okay. Did you want it to be positive?"

"I don't know, Nick. I don't know anything right now. Right now i just feel like crying."

"Cry all you want. It's okay with me. I would join you if it weren't for that dehydration issue, which Tran has some ideas about. We were talking about it earlier. I'm sorry that's not really the point. The point is you can cry all you want. I'll even get Dirty Dancing out from where I hid it." Jess picks her head up from his shoulder for a moment and wipes her eyes.

"What?"

"Yeah, I hid it. It's behind Forrest Gump on my shelf. I know how much you hate that movie. I'm sorry. Let's watch it. I'd love to watch it with you."

"I bought another copy," she says, smiling through her sniffles.

"Let's watch either one then. Does your new one have director's commentary. I bet those are a trip for Dirty Dancing. Coach and I watched director's commentary for Love, Actually and he balled his eyes out."

FLASHBACK: Coach and Nick are on the couch. Hugh Grant's voice can be heard. Nick is bawling uncontrollably and Coach just stares at Nick.

BACK TO PRESENT:

Jess goes to get her new copy of Dirty Dancing with the director's commentary. She stops by her bed and reaches into her pocket. She pulls out the positive pregnancy test and stares at it. She tosses it into the garbage bin. She grabs the movie and goes back to the living room. She puts the movie in the player and cozies up next to Nick. The opening credits roll.

"Jessica," Nick says. "Just so you know. I'd have been okay if it was positive. More than okay. I'd have been thrilled." Jess looks up at him.

"Thrilled."


	3. Chapter 3

Cece's apartment:

Jess and Cece sit on Cece's couch. Cece's hands are in her lap and she is looking at Jess with concern.

"So what's so urgent?"

"Nothing, really. It's actually—now that I think about it maybe I should just go. You look beautiful maybe you should go model something and I'll go teach a kid or two."

Jess tries to get up off the couch but Cece pulls her back.

"Oh no you don't. It's Saturday. I'm not modeling and you're definitely not teaching. Now what is wrong? Your text said that it was urgent and that we need to talk right away. So here we are. let's have it."

Jess mumbles something inaudible. Cece stares at her. Jess mumbles some more and looks around the room. She runs her hands through her hair. She taps her feet on the floor.

"Is this about Forrest Gump again?" Cece says.

FLASHBACK:

Cece is in bed and her phone is ringing. The clock on her bedside table reads 4:40. She picks up the phone and groggily answers. Jess's voice can be heard.

"It doesn't make any sense. How can one person be a part of so many historical events? It's just not logical. I can't even get started on the ping pong either it's just like—" Cece hangs up the phone and collapses back into bed.

BACK TO PRESENT:

"No," Jess says. "It's not about that, but my opinion has not changed. It's about something else. I need to tell you because you're my best friend."

The loft:

Nick walks around in his boxers. He has a tub of icecream in his hands. He sits down on the couch and turns on the TV. "Toddlers and Tiaras" is on. Nick looks around the apartment surreptitiously. He's the only one home. He puts the remote down and settles down into the couch with his icecream.

"Oh yeah," he says. "This is how Nick does it."

The waiting room at a doctor's office:

Schmidt is pacing the waiting room. He goes up to the counter and squirts more hand sanitizer into his palm and scrubs his hands together vigorously.

"I told Nick, ten thirty. Ten thirty. How many times do I need to remind him that I need to be picked up from the doctor's on time? My immune system is delicate and cannot handle this waiting room."

"Sir?" The receptionist addresses him. "Could you sit down? You're making the other patients nervous. And maybe stop talking out loud to yourself?"

Schmidt walks huffily to the seat closest to the door and pulls out his phone. He calls Nick and is frustrated when he gets voicemail again.

"Nicholas. I need you to listen to me very carefully. I am in a swamp of death because of you. The germs. I can feel the germs latching on to me. I probably don't have long to live now. I need you to come get me right now. Right now, Nicholas. Right now. This is code blue. Consult your Schmidt emergency manual that's under your bed. It's under the third slat from the headboard. Hurry!"

The other patients stare at Schmidt as he has been violently whispering into his phone. He puts his phone in his pocket and pulls his shirt up to cover his face. He attempts to fit his whole head in his shirt, but he can't because his shirt is too tight.

Cece's apartment:

Cece is staring at Jess, mouth agape.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"Have you told Nick?"

"I may have told him it was negative."

"Oh no no," Cece says. "This is at least code orange."

Cece stands up and paces the room nervously.

"Code orange?" Jess adjusts her glasses on her nose.

"Schmidt had this color system for his so-called 'Schmidt emergencies' but most of them were just sex things. Blue and orange though, those were serious. This isn't good, Jess."

The loft:

Nick lays back on the couch. The ice cream is empty and lies on his chest.

"I feel like there was something I was supposed to do today."

Winston comes in through the front door.

"Weren't you supposed to pick up Schmidt from the doctor?"


	4. Chapter 4

The loft:

"Schmidt will kill you."

"Let's go, man. You drive," Nick says, getting up and hopping over the empty ice cream tub that falls from his chest.

"He will drown you in body butter and dance around your very sweet smelling corpse."

"Winston! We do not have time for this. Let's go!"

"Don't you wanna put pants on?"

"No time for pants."

Cece's apartment:

Jess is sitting on the kitchen floor, taking large bites out of cheese sticks.

"That's like your eighth stick. Don't you wanna slow down?"

"I'm gonna get fat anyway, why bother?"

"You've gotta get this together, Jess. You have got to get this together. My parents are coming over and I would like it if they didn't see you like this. You know they're lukewarm on you anyway. Now let's get you up." She tries to lift Jess by her arms but Jess slumps back to the floor. Jess opens the refrigerator door.

"Oh no you don't," Cece says, running over to close the door. "No more cheese for you. We've gotta get you through this." Cece sits down on her kitchen floor next to Jess. She nervously looks at her watch and takes a deep breath. "So what's the deal? Are you worried about Nick? Do you think he's not ready for this? To be honest that would be a fairly understandable reaction."

Jess sits up a little and brings her knees to her chest. She looks on the verge of tears.

"That's not it. I wish that was it, but it isn't."

"What do you mean?"

"Nick was great. Nick said that he would have been thrilled if it had been positive. You should have seen him. He was so supportive. He even volunteered to watch Dirty Dancing with me."

"So what's the problem then?"

"I am," Jess says, quietly beginning to cry. "I'm the problem. I don't know if I'm ready for this." She leans into Cece, and Cece holds her. There is a knock at the door.

Winston's car:

Nick is driving and "Cotton-Eye-Joe" is playing. Nick fist pumps. Winston looks upset.

"I told you I didn't want you driving my car. You are literally the worst driver I have ever known."

FLASHBACK:

College Nick and Winston are in Winston's old explorer and Nick is driving.

"Hey look, a bootleg video stand," Nick says, swerving across three lanes to pull up to the curb. Moments later they are back in the car, with Winston driving.

"Quit being a baby," Nick says, waving a VHS tape around as he speaks.. "I know you're gonna come around when we're watching Water World. Come on man, Kevin Costner!"

BACK TO PRESENT:

"And that's only the beginning. That doesn't count the time you changed clothes while driving."

"My shoes were wet. I stepped in mud."

"Or when you thought we ran over a leprechaun and you insisted on driving around until we found it and made sure it was okay."

"I know what I saw."

"How about this one, Nick. Where's your car? I know why you asked me to drive. You lost it again didn't you?" Silence from Nick. "How does a grown man lose a car? I take that back. How does any living breathing person lose a two thousand pound machine?"

"There's no need to yell, Winston. Would you like me to turn down the volume on Cotton-Eye-Joe?"

"I would like that very much."

Cece's apartment:

Cece jumps up quickly to answer the door.

"Don't worry I'll just tell them I need to take care of you and that they should come back later. It'll just take a second."

"No, it's okay. I don't want to be a burden. Plus I think I ate the last cheese stick anyway."

"You know," Cece says. "Most people eat their feelings with icecream."

"I keep buying icecream and it keeps disappearing. I may need my own fridge in my room."

Jess stands up to leave and there is another knock at the door.

"I'll just say hello to your parents on my way out."

Cece stands stock still. Jess opens the front door.

"Coach?"


	5. Chapter 5

The doctor's office:

Winston and Nick squeal into the parking lot. They slam the doors and sprint towards Schmidt. There is a police car with the lights flashing. Schmidt can be seen next to the police officer, who is holding out handcuffs.

"Stop, you can't arrest that man! He just has a terrible fear of driving after going to the doctor it's completely almost reasonable for a grown man!" Nick pants as he drops his hands to his knees. "Please officer."

"Have I ever told you what good shape you're in Nick? It's really quite impressive. I have an eleven year old niece that would be a perfect running partner for you." Schmidt laughs.

Winston jogs up.

"Is Schmidt being arrested?"

"You both need to calm down," Schmidt says, taking the cuffs from the officer. "Officer Peralta and I are friends."

"Schmidt helped me take down a jewelry thief. I'm forever grateful to this man."

FLASHBACK: Schmidt lays on the roof. Cucumbers are over his eyes. There is a tub of lotion to his right. He goes to grab his lotion, but accidentally knocks it off the roof.

"My body butter!" he yells, the cucumbers falling to the ground. It is now obvious he is only wearing a towel. He leans over the edge of the building and watches as his lotion hits a man on the head. Officer Peralta can be seen arresting the man and then waving up at Schmidt.

BACK TO PRESENT:

"I never would have caught him. I was sucking wind. I owe the arrest entirely to Schmidt."

"Schmidt does love his body butter," Winston says.

"Jake here is just giving me a pair of handcuffs. He isn't arresting me. I need them for something I have planned." Schmidt winks. "If you know what I mean."

"We know what you mean, Schmidt," Nick says.

"I don't think you do."

"No, we get it."

"They're for sex things."

"And there it is."

"But now that you've finally arrived, just in time to save me from not being arrested, I do have one question for you Nicholas."

"Yeah?"

"Where are your pants?"

The loft:

Schmidt, Winston, and Nick are arriving back. Jess walks in from the hallway.

"Nick, can I talk to you for a minute, in my room?"

"Didn't we just have a serious talk? Can we have another serious talk so soon? Is that allowed?"

He turns to Schmidt and Winston.

"Allowed."

"Totally allowed."

"I will be in your room momentarily then."

Jess turns and walks back to her room. Nick turns around, panic written on his face.

"What do I do?"

"What do you mean what do you do?" Schmidt says.

"About this. Obviously I can't go talk to her. She's gonna break up with me. That's the only explanation. We just find out that she's NOT pregnant and now we need another talk? She was just waiting to find that out to do it and I can't let it happen. If we don't talk she can't break up with me."

Schmidt slaps Nick across the face.

"Nothing has ever made less sense. Not even your zombie book. And no I will not read your new chapter."

Nick turns to Winston.

"I need you on this won Winston. I need Prank Sinatra."

Winston rubs his hands together.

"What's the play?'

"I need you to convince Jess that she's talking to me somehow while I make my getaway. Don't worry about me. I've got a plan."

"Is no one going to talk about what a terrible idea this is?" Schmidt throws his hands in the air. "I mean really. This is a worse idea than when we let Nick cook us dinner. Remember that Winston? Your twenty fifth birthday?"

FLASHBACK:

Winston, Coach, and Schmidt sit at the kitchen table. They bang their steak knives on the table. They chant: "STEAK STEAK STEAK."

Nick is seen in his room. He's wearing an apron and he is pulling four steaks out of an easy bake oven.

"Come to papa," he says.

BACK TO PRESENT:

"I'm with you Nick," Winston says.

Nick sprints out of the loft without warning. He slams the door behind him. He can be heard behind the door panting. Schmidt shakes his head.

"He really is in terrible shape."

Jess's room:

Jess sits on her bed and wrings her hands.


	6. Chapter 6

Cece's apartment:

Cece sits on her couch and looks worried. Coach is doing jumping jacks. He is sweating profusely and takes off his shirt.

"Why did you take your shirt off?" Cece says, exasperated. She puts her hands to her face.

"I always work out when I'm stressed and when I work out I sweat. The shirt had to come off."

"I told you. You don't need to worry about Jess, she won't tell anyone. Besides, she has other things on her mind right now that are more important than you and me dating."

"Oh? More important?"

FLASHBACK, THREE DAYS EARLIER:

Coach is with a client at the gym.

"Is that all you got Barbara? Is that really all you got because I don't think so!" he yells at his client, a very frail looking old woman who is lifting one pound dumbbells. Coach's phone rings. He answers, and Jess's voice can be heard on the other end.

"Coach, drop whatever you're doing right now and come over. This is that important."

Cut to Coach running into the loft, not bothering to knock on the door, panting.

"Did you just run from the elevator?" Nick asks, who is on the couch next to Jess. Jess holds a computer.

"No, I just ran from the gym."

"Wow, that's really far," Nick says. "I usually get sweaty like that when I run from the elevator."

"The elevator is like nine feet away, Nick. God you are in terrible shape. Jess, why am I here? What is so important that I left a client?"

Jess turns her computer around on her lap so Coach can see a group of children singing.

"My kids made a holiday e-card for me. Isn't it adorable?"

Coach calmly walks across the room, takes Jess's computer, walks to the window, and throws it out. Schmidt comes out of his room with a towel around his waist and a towel on his head.

"They make you look at their stupid photo booth pictures too? We get it you're in love and you went to the zoo! Leave me and the pandas out of it."

BACK TO PRESENT:

"I bought her a new computer," Coach says.

The loft:

"Schmidt," Winston says, panicking. "What are we gonna do? Plan, what plan? When has Nick ever had a plan? I immediately regret this. You know I can't resist an elaborate hijinx."

"Sounds like a personal problem, Winston. I never agreed to help with this lunacy."

"Schmidt, I need you to come through for me here. You owe me this."

"How do I owe you?"

"Thanksgiving 1999."

"You promised we would never speak of that day."

FLASHBACK:

Schmidt is sitting at a kitchen table with an empty serving plate in front of him. Winston walks into the room.

"Hey man did you carve the turkey? Everybody's ready to eat."

BACK TO PRESENT:

"Fine," Schmidt hisses. "What do you need from me?"

"Can you still do your Barbra Streisand impersonation?"

"Is leather tacky and chafing?"

"Good." Winston rubs his hands together. "We just may be able to pull this off. Now listen closely." He whispers something in Schmidt's ear.

"She's in her room. There's no need to whisper, Winston."

"A good plan is always whispered!"

A train station:

A man on a bench reads a newspaper. As he puts the newspaper down it becomes obvious that it is Nick in his trenchcoat, wearing sunglasses and a hat. A train whistle is heard. Nick walks on the train and sits down next to an old lady.

"You look familiar," she says. "Do I know you?"

Nick extends his hand.

"I doubt it. Julius Pepperwood. I'm from Chicago."


End file.
